“At the Corner of Grief and Love”
Grief takes its toll on us. There are moments when all we want is to feel normal again. I have observed three common effects of grief. The first is physical exhaustion. When the reality of our loss sets in, we often respond with the unspeakable pain of tears. I was talking with a woman whose husband died of a heart attack. It had been only a month since his death, but she was exhausted. She told me that she was so tired of crying. She just wanted the tears to stop. Grieving can leave us with a kind of fatigue that sleep doesn’t help. We just want to make it through the day, go home and crash.
The second effect of grief is emotional emptiness. Sometimes the physical fatigue and emotional weariness overlap each other. “I don’t think I’ve got anything left in me. It’s not that I don’t care, I’m just empty inside.” We often feel the weight of the expectations of other people around us. In our quiet moments on the one hand we’re thinking, “I know they want me to get over it, but I’m just not ready yet.” On the other hand, we agonize “How long will this go on?”
Then there is a kind of mental paralysis. It’s the despair of feeling like we just can’t think straight. Details are the last things we want to handle. Even deciding what to eat from day-to-day can wear on us. It’s interesting how grief impacts our eating. Some need to summon the will to eat food that pain has rendered tasteless. Others eat to ease the pain.
If you are traveling any of these grief roads, I urge you to connect with a grief support group. I like to describe this destination as the Corner of Grief and Love; a place where you can grieve with other people; where you don’t have to trudge through your grief all alone; where there is real hope.
Let me share with you the hope you can find at the Corner of Grief and Love:
Living with Rediscovered Meaning
The greatest tragedy in life is not death. It is to go through life without meaning and purpose. The death of a spouse can create feelings of uselessness. I have heard some say, “I have nothing to live for.” But there is hope when we embrace the challenge of the next chapter of life. What makes this such a challenge is that the pain of loss will never completely go away. But at the Corner of Grief and Love there are people who love us. Their presence is no mere coincidence. It can be a spiritual intersection of healing. Inviting someone into our pain and our grief is a sacred thing. We are giving them permission to look deeply into our hearts. That requires allowing someone to see our vulnerability. But it also provides the opportunity for us to experience a kind of resilience that even we may not understand.
Living Under Grace
What does that mean? When we are gracious to someone, it means that they don’t have to earn it. We just give it, perhaps because their situation hits close to home. I have discovered in my life that grace is simply receiving what I need instead of what I think I deserve. I have spoken with so many people who carry a deep level of guilt because of the circumstance of their loved one’s death. At the very least, we tend to wrestle with regret. Living under guilt and regret will chip away at the person we were meant to be and reduce us to thinking that we deserve to be sad and chronically unhappy. A widow once told me that she didn’t like going to social gatherings because she was afraid that she would be the “downer”. I tried to assure her that her friends would understand. I didn’t use the word grace, but there it is. Grace is the road to being free:
Free from guilt and regrets…Free from the fear of the future…Free from the expectations of other people…Free from worry!
To experience this freedom, we need to embrace the truth that grief is a pathway, not an end to unto itself. Grief is necessary for healing. And though there are similarities, each grief pathway will be unique to each person. I cannot travel your road of grief, nor can you travel mine. Yet, at the end of each grief tunnel, there is light, there is hope, there is meaning and grace. There is someone who cares…at the Corner of Grief and Love.
Director, Community Care/Aftercare
6500 Iron Bridge Rd.
N. Chesterfield, VA 23234